I feel like I’ll regret blogging. Oh well.

This week has been rather odd and different for me. Hmm.

Anyway. I felt like blogging after I read Qiwia’s blog. I blog because I’ve no one to communicate with but that’s besides the point. The point is, Qiwia is also facing a similar problem as me. She’s been crying excessively, because of a certain problem like mine. About treating friends and family unfairly and stuff.

I feel for her because it’s exactly what I’m facing now. She has excluded people in her life because she thinks that she’ll hurt them. Just like what I’ve been doing. I’ve been avoiding people and I’ve been trying not to have any contact with them because I fear of indirectly hurting them. I don’t want to treat my friends unfairly anymore. I’ve been alone for the past few days and also, with the company of Intan who is there to always hear me out to the point that I think I’m starting to annoy her, haha.

I’ve been ‘appearing offline’ or genuinely offline for the past few days because I don’t want people to talk to me and I don’t really want to talk to people either, unless it’s necessary. I don’t want to hurt people and to be honest, I’m also afraid of facing them, since they have this negative perception of me now. I never really thought that I’d be the bad person now because I for one, don’t like to make people feel bad and even if I do, it’s usually just a jokey jokey situation.

For now, I don’t even know if I want to meet people, in fear of hurting them also.

I also don’t like crying. I hate how I cry at every negative thing that I’ve done that lead to hurting people.

I want to change. I want to be the old me.. who is more shy (?), respects people and.. don’t swear often? Haha. I know I swear a whole lot now. I don’t really know how to express anger other than swearing. Ha.

People change as time goes. Frankly speaking, everyone I know has changed, since the last time I know them. Compare people in 06 and now. Slightly different. People change other people too. Maybe that’s why I’m like ‘this’ now. If no one tells me that I’ve done something not right, I won’t know and I might keep doing it. That might not make sense but whatever, lol.

Anyway for now, I am trying to be nicer to people, be more appreciative of them and not take them for granted. Actually, I also don’t know how I take people for granted. :/ Haha. I’m trying hard to swear lesser because it gives me a bad impression. Maybe I should make myself visible soon. I don’t know. I really don’t feel like being around people I know nowadays.

I also hate being paranoid. I wasn’t paranoid before.. dunno why I am now. I hate thinking too much cos it’s stupid. :S

Right. I’ve been spending my time reading.. reading, and reading. Something I never really do ever since I started playing habbo. I used to read a lot last time, always having numerous books lying around the house. I also watch stuff online.. like movies.. documentaries.. something I also don’t do often ever since I got addicted to habbo. Come to think of it, I’ve totally shunned reading and watching tv ever since I got addicted to the internet. I’ve become more lazy. Hmm. Time to not be so lazy. 😛

Oh ya. I also got to talk to my mom often now. I’m very happy that we can talk for hours from topic to topic. I realized that she doesn’t depend on her friends too much because she doesn’t want to. She has her family and she is happy with it. She told me that I shouldn’t depend on friends too much. Maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t know.

Funny how I write so much.. lol. Oh well. There is Build A Bear training tmr, from 10am to 6pm. I better get paid. Else what’s the banana point of going to training, wasting 8 hours there and not getting paid.

Whatever the situation now is, I am going to stay solo for the next few days I guess. I think they are disappointed at me. Maybe they are happier without me. Go figure.

Sometimes I hate blogging. But, blogging is the best way to pour out feelings and thinkings.. and get opinions from other people.. that will lead to other stuff…… ho ho ho.


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